The most important conversation you can have
I’m Kelley Kershaw, a local Family and Funeral Celebrant. I’m also a mum who lost her 19-year-old son suddenly in 2020.
We always think we have time, but sadly this isn’t always true. As well as you know your loved ones, do you honestly know their wishes when it comes to the send-off they want? Many of us haven’t even considered what we’d like for our own send-off unless we’ve had to organise a funeral for someone else.
I didn’t for my son’s. I was faced with choosing something fitting from a list of Grime songs. Now as a fan of the 80s, this was a hard task, given I knew nothing of this genre. He would have been shaking his head at me that we played Coldplay instead.
I get it, talking about death is a little macabre. But planning helps reduce stress for you and your family. Avoiding these sensitive conversations for too long can lead to forced, rushed discussions during times of grief and distress.
Ultimately, not talking about funeral arrangements, how they would like to be remembered and death can make things harder for loved ones in the future. So it’s worth talking openly and honestly to help everyone prepare.
As a celebrant, I talk to many families, and I personally know the feelings of confusion, exhaustion, numbness, crippling grief, and fear in the wake of losing someone you love. The process of organising their possessions, estate, and finances and arranging a funeral is the last thing you want to do.
Having these conversations with loved ones helps to ease the stress when the time comes. So take the time to get to know your loved one’s wishes. Find out what kind of funeral they would want, by considering what made them who they are. You might ask about…
- Their favourite songs.
- What they feel most passionate about.
- Who were the people they loved.
- The memories they most want to share.
- How they would like to be remembered.
There’s no right or wrong way to talk about death and plans. Starting the conversation is the hardest part. Once it’s been raised, your family may begin to feel comfortable talking about it. Approach it in the way that’s most comfortable. It doesn’t need to be a taboo subject and can be approached quite lightly over a cuppa, a game of cards or on a stroll.
Someone I know created a Spotify playlist named ‘funeral’. I’ve always joked I want karaoke at my own funeral. I wouldn’t be surprised if when I do go, there is one. Joking about it is my way of letting those around me know what my wishes are.
Funerals and memorials are traditionally formal events, focusing on the death, rather than the life of the individual. But the ways in which we mourn the loss of life are changing. I often conduct services which are more a celebration of everything that made that person unique – from Marmalade sandwiches to pink glitter, butterfly’s, motorbikes, football shirts and even a game of Bingo.
It is time to rethink the conversations and taboos that often surround death. Talk about your own wishes. Ask the people around you what they would like. And don’t be surprised if you find yourself living life a little more to the full as a result.
