Understanding Anticipatory Grief

What is anticipatory grief?

Anticipatory grief is when we begin grieving in the months, weeks and days before a death.

It can bring intense and overwhelming emotions, including sadness, guilt, and isolation. If you or someone you know is experiencing this, it’s important to acknowledge these feelings and seek support.

This often affects people:

Facing their own terminal illness
Caring for someone who is dying
Watching a loved one change due to dementia or illness

The stages of grief

Everyone experiences grief differently. It’s important to recognise how you and those around you might be feeling during these difficult times.

The Kubler-Ross model, developed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in 1969, describes how people process grief. Originally created to help those facing terminal illness, it is now widely used to understand grief in general.

Here are the five stages of grief.

These stages don’t always happen in order, and some people may not experience all of them. Grief is personal, and every loss is unique.

Denial Feeling numb, carrying on as if nothing has happened
Anger 'This isn't fair!' or 'Why did they have to leave me?'
Bargaining Replaying events and asking 'What if?'
Depression Experiencing waves of sadness that can last a long time
Acceptance Learning to move forward while cherishing memories

Living with anticipatory grief

Coping with anticipatory grief can be challenging, but there are ways to help navigate these emotions:

Acknowledge your feelings

It’s okay to feel sadness, frustration, or even relief. Accepting your emotions can help you process them

Find support

Talking to close friends, family, or support groups can provide comfort and understanding.

Create meaningful moments

Spend quality time with the person who is dying, make new memories, and cherish the time you have together.

Take care of yourself

Grief can be physically and emotionally exhausting. Make sure to rest, eat well and practise self-care.

Seek professional help

Therapists and counsellors can provide guidance and coping strategies tailored to your situation.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is anticipatory grief?

Anticipatory grief is the grief we experience before when someone dies. It can arise when someone receives a terminal diagnosis or is in the final stages of life.

How is anticipatory grief different from grief after a death?

Anticipatory grief usually happens whilst the person dying is still alive. It often includes a mix of emotions, sadness, fear, guilt, and even moments of relief or connection. Grief after death, on the other hand, is shaped by loss and adjusting to life without them.

Is it normal to feel guilty about anticipatory grief?

Feeling guilty is completely normal. Many people feel guilty for grieving while their loved one is still here, or for experiencing moments of relief. But these feelings don’t mean you love them any less, they’re a natural and often confusing part of preparing for loss.