How to talk to a dying friend

If they want to say sorry, don’t bat it away. This is their conscience speaking. Listen to their sorrow and recognise it. Accept that apology. Say thank you. Tell them your love is constant.

If they want to forgive you, you may feel embarrassed, ashamed, unworthy, overwhelmed, uncomfortable. Sit with it. Let them speak. This is their soul speaking and making peace with you now will give their soul ease.

Accepting their forgiveness is a gift you can bestow.

Thank them for their forgiveness. Ask for their blessing. They are laying down their burdens of fear and sadness, and you don’t need to pick those up. Leave them there, those past mistakes. They are in both your pasts, and this is a new present at the edge of their life.

If they want to speak of love – oh, join in. Let your souls rejoice for all that you have meant to one another. Now is not a time to be coy, to be embarrassed about emotions. Here, at the end of things for your beloved person, it’s time to live in peace with the truth.

Our good relationships are made of love. Whether it’s marriage, parenthood, friendship, a fondness for a work colleague or a neighbour: it’s all love.

Funny how hard it seems to say so. Until death comes along. Or even then.

Next, my lifetime of deathbeds has taught me that the process of dying is peaceful, provided two important things are in place. The first is good management of symptoms of whatever condition is causing the death. The second is peace of mind.

I have more to say on both….

Just because we’re dying doesn’t mean we must tolerate pain, struggle to breathe, experience nausea, or other symptoms. So let’s insist the best symptom management is in place. Expecting high standards raises standards.

At a deathbed, symptom control should be impeccable.

Who should provide symptom control? It might be their GP, or their specialist cancer / respiratory / cardiology / whatever team, or those usual professionals may need to be reinforced by expert help from palliative care specialists. We have “one chance to get it right”.

Demand excellence.

Without uncomfortable symptoms to divert the process, dying people simply become more weary over time. They do less and sleep more. Sleep helps them to have renewed but short bursts of energy: perhaps enough to listen to their favourite music, clean their teeth, have a chat.

Without symptoms to disturb them, dying people begin to dip into unconsciousness, into a coma that becomes deeper until they are unconscious all the time.

For more detailed information visit GOV.UK.

Peace of mind is about feeling prepared; that the things they want to sort out are complete, that relationships are healed, that their life was worth something. Achieving this is often helped by conversations in the preceding weeks, months, even years.

So please prepare.

Peace of mind recognises our mortality and works with it instead of fighting against it. Just like writing a Will or taking our Life Insurance, doing our end of life preparation won’t make us die any sooner. But it certainly helps people to die more peacefully.

So here’s the thing about deathbeds.

Each one is a chance to get better acquainted with dying; to witness the gradual change from alive to no longer alive; to learn how to have those precious conversations.

To be companions as, in our own turn, we will be accompanied.

When we take our turns at the bedside of our beloved dying person, it’s a memorable and profound experience. It is life changing. It is our privilege to be there for each other as we learn the lessons of the deathbed.

As we sit with our beloved dying person, we are exchanging final gifts. We are giving them the gift of our companionship and attention, and they are giving us the gift of showing us how to die.