Looking After Yourself While Caring For A Loved One Who Is Actively Dying

Balancing self-care and support

When a loved one is actively dying, you may find yourself juggling multiple emotional, physical, and practical responsibilities - especially if you are also looking after children. It’s an incredibly intense and challenging time, and the weight of caring for both your loved one and your/their children can be overwhelming. In these moments, taking care of yourself is just as important as caring for others, as your well-being impacts your ability to provide support to both your dying loved one and the children in your care.

Below we focus on how to balance your own self-care with the emotional needs of children while supporting a loved one who is actively dying. We offer strategies to help you stay grounded and avoid burnout, so you can show up for both your loved ones and yourself during this difficult time.

Balancing self-care and support

When a loved one is actively dying, you may find yourself juggling multiple emotional, physical, and practical responsibilities—especially if you are also looking after children. It’s an incredibly intense and challenging time, and the weight of caring for both your loved one and your/their children can be overwhelming. In these moments, taking care of yourself is just as important as caring for others, as your well-being impacts your ability to provide support to both your dying loved one and the children in your care.

Acknowledge your emotional overload

Acknowledge that you are going through a lot emotionally and that it’s normal to feel anxious, sad, stressed, or even numb at times.
Give yourself permission to feel: You may feel guilty about being torn between your emotions and the needs of others, but it’s important to accept that you are grieving too. You can’t pour from an empty cup, so allow yourself time to feel and process your emotions.
Don’t minimize your needs: Recognise that your emotional experience matters, too. Just because you're caring for others doesn’t mean your emotions should be put on hold.

Take breaks from caring when possible

Providing care for a loved one who is actively dying and for children can be emotionally and physically exhausting. If you’re the primary carer, it’s vital to take regular breaks to recharge, even if only for short periods.

Step away, even if briefly: When you can, give yourself permission to take a break from caring duties. Go for a walk, meditate for a few minutes, or simply sit in a quiet room for a moment. A little time away can help you maintain emotional balance.
Ask for support: You don’t have to do it all alone. If there are others who can help with the caring or provide childcare, ask for help. You deserve time to take care of yourself, too.
Create small moments of self-care: Sometimes you may not have time for long breaks, but even a few moments of self-care—like a warm bath, a cup of tea, or listening to calming music—can help you stay grounded.

Caring for children

Be Honest with the Children (in Age-Appropriate Ways)

You don’t have to have all the answers: Kids may ask difficult questions, and you might not always have a clear answer. It’s okay to acknowledge that this is a difficult situation and that you don’t know exactly what will happen, but you’ll do your best to help them understand and be there for them.
Keep it simple: For younger children, focus on the basics of what’s happening in a way they can understand. For older kids and teens, you may want to talk more about the process of dying, what to expect, and how they might feel as they experience the loss. Reassure them that their feelings are normal and that it's okay to cry, feel confused, or be scared.

Allow Space for Children’s Emotions

Children will have differing reactions to the impending death of a loved one. They might feel sad, scared, angry, or even confused. Allow them to express their feelings and let them know that all emotions are valid.

Normalise their grief: Remind them that it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or scared. If they need to cry, let them cry. If they want to talk, listen without judgment.

Be patient: Children might not always show their grief in the same way that adults do. They might act out, retreat into themselves, or revert to earlier behaviours (like bedwetting or wanting extra comfort). These behaviours are often a sign of stress, and it's important to offer reassurance and comfort.

Offer activities that help them process: Encouraging creative outlets like drawing, writing, or even role-playing with toys can give children a way to express complex feelings that they might not be able to articulate otherwise.

Involve Children in Positive Ways (But Without Overburdening Them)

As much as possible, involve children in the process in age-appropriate ways. Let them help with tasks like cooking, or walking the dog, maybe they could draw pictures, or make cards, just being present in a way that feels comfortable for them.

Offer opportunities for connection: Children may want to say goodbye or offer comfort in their own way. If they’re comfortable, encourage them to share memories, draw pictures, or even just sit quietly with their loved one. This can help them process their emotions and feel part of the experience.

Set limits: While involving children can be healing, also remember that they might need breaks too. If they start to feel overwhelmed, give them permission to step back, go and play with a friend, or simply take a break from the situation.

Create a Sense of Routine for Children

During such a chaotic time, children find comfort in routine and familiarity. While there may be some disruptions due to the illness or death, try to maintain as much normality as possible in their daily life.

Keep up with school and activities: If possible, let children continue with their usual school routine, extracurricular activities, or playdates. This provides a sense of normality and relief from the emotional weight they’re carrying.

It’s important for parents/carers/guardians to keep in close touch with the child’s school, updating the Safeguarding Lead / Family Support Worker to provide additional support in case the child/young person is struggling in school.

Maintain regular meals and sleep routines: Children thrive on structure, and maintaining regular meals, naps, and bedtime rituals can help them feel safe and secure during an unsettling time.

Balancing Care

Caring for children while a loved one is actively dying is a delicate balance between supporting their emotional needs, managing your caring responsibilities, and caring for yourself. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed, but by setting boundaries, seeking help, and looking after yourself, you can navigate this difficult time with more resilience and strength.

Remember that your well-being is essential not only for your own health but also for the care you provide to others. You don’t have to do it all alone—lean on your support network, give yourself permission to grieve, and prioritise moments for yourself.

By taking care of yourself, you’ll be better able to support the children and your loved one as you all navigate this challenging journey together.

Balancing Care

By taking care of yourself, you’ll be better able to support the children and your loved one as you all navigate this challenging journey together.

Caring for yourself

Be Gentle with Yourself

You may feel torn between the needs of your dying loved one and the emotional care you’re giving to the children. It’s normal to feel like you’re stretched too thin at times. Be kind and gentle with yourself, recognising that you are doing the best you can in an incredibly challenging situation.

-Set realistic expectations: It’s okay if you can’t be the perfect carer for everyone all the time. If you need to step away for self-care, it doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you’re honouring your own needs so that you can continue to support those around you.
-Don’t forget your own grief: You are also losing someone you love. It’s important to allow yourself to grieve, even while you’re caring for others. Grief can manifest in many ways—fatigue, irritability, sadness—and it’s essential to acknowledge it as part of your healing process.

Reach Out for Professional Support

You don’t have to navigate this challenging time alone. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility of caring for both a dying loved one and children, it’s okay to ask for help from professionals.

- Therapy or counselling: Speaking with a therapist can help you process your emotions, manage stress, and find healthy ways to cope with the overwhelming responsibilities of caring and grieving.
- Hospice care: If you’re providing care for a loved one at home, hospice services can offer professional support, helping with both physical and emotional care for the dying person. They can also offer you respite and resources for supporting children through the process. Hospital staff can also provide professional support for children and young people.