Looking after yourself isn’t selfish and it doesn’t mean that you care any less. Small amounts of rest and support can help you continue caring without becoming completely overwhelmed.

Focus on the basics

When days feel unpredictable, aim for small and manageable things rather than trying to follow a perfect routine. Where you can

• eat something regularly, even if it’s simple

• keep a drink of water, or tea/coffee nearby and remember to take your own medicines

• wash, change your clothes and get a little fresh air

• kest whenever there’s an opportunity, including during the day

• keep any important appointments for your own health

If these things are becoming difficult, tell someone. Practical help may make more difference than trying to push through alone.

Is it all right to take a break?

Yes. It’s all right to leave the room, sleep, go outside or spend some time away while another trusted person sits with them. You can’t be alert and available every moment.

If you’re worried about leaving, ask the care team what changes to look out for, who to contact and whether anyone can share the caring. Even a short shower, meal or walk can give your mind and body a pause.

Let other people help

People may say, “Let me know if you need anything,” without knowing what would be useful. It can help to give them a specific task, such as

• sitting with the person while you rest or go out

• bringing a meal or doing some shopping

• collecting a prescription

• making phone calls or updating other family members or friends

• helping with laundry, pets, children or household jobs

Accepting help doesn’t mean handing over your relationship with the person. It means making the caring more sustainable.

Make sure you know who to contact

Keep the care team’s contact numbers somewhere easy to find. Ask who you should call during the day, at night and at weekends if symptoms change or you’re unsure what to do. Knowing there’s a plan can reduce some of the pressure of making decisions alone.

Your feelings may change from hour to hour

You might feel love, sadness, fear, anger, guilt, numbness or even relief. You may resent the demands of caring and then feel guilty for thinking that way. These feelings can exist alongside one another and don’t mean that you’ve failed or stopped caring.

This period is sometimes described as anticipatory grief: grieving while the person is still alive. There’s no correct way to feel. Talking to someone you trust may help you carry what’s happening.

Stay connected to other people

Caring can become isolating, particularly if you can’t leave the house or hospital easily. Try to keep in touch with at least one person with whom you can be honest. A short phone call or message can help you feel less alone.

You may also find it helpful to speak to your GP, the person’s nurse, a counsellor, a chaplain or spiritual adviser, a hospice team or a local carers’ service.

Notice when you’re running on empty

Tell someone and ask for more help if you

• are so tired that you can’t care safely

• are regularly missing meals, medicines or your own medical care

• feel persistently panicked, hopeless or unable to cope

• are using alcohol or medicines to get through the day

• feel angry in a way that frightens you

Contact your GP or another healthcare professional rather than waiting for a crisis. If you think you may harm yourself or someone else, or can’t keep either of you safe, call 999 or go to A&E.

Be gentle with yourself after the person dies

When caring ends, exhaustion may catch up with you. You may feel grief, shock, relief, emptiness or a mixture of emotions. Try not to expect yourself to return to normal immediately. Rest, accept support and speak to your GP or a bereavement service if you are struggling.

You don’t have to do this alone

There may be limits to what you can manage, however much you love the person. Asking for help is part of caring for them and for yourself.

You might also find this support hub article helpful: What is anticipatory grief?